Anekdoote elukaare lõpuosast

Mul tekkis vahepeal teravdatud huvi matuse- ja üldse surmateemaliste naljade vastu. Neid kellelegi rääkida ma õnneks ei söandanud.

Järgnev aga on suht adekvaatne kirjeldus tegelikust elust:

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.”

Kelleks tahad saada?

Õpetaja küsib, kelleks soovid saada.

Variant üks - Reaalkool.

Juku: "Õpiks iitee hästi ära ja saaks krüptoärikaks. Mul oleks raha nagu raba. Selle eest võtaks endale kõige ägedama bitši, ostaks talle korteri Pariisi ja maja Kariibidele ja jahi ja ferraari ja briljante ja kulda, ja paneks teda päevast päeva nii et maa on must."

Õpetaja on šokis, aga ei taha tundi rikkuda, teeb nagu poleks kuulnud. 

"Mari, kelleks...?"
"Juku bitšiks muidugi."

Variant kaks - Vanalinna Hariduskolleegium. 

Malle: "arstiks."
Õpetaja: "jaa, noobel ja vajalik valik."
Kalle: "juristiks."
Õpetaja: "jaa, ühiskonnale tähtis ja endale kasulik."
Mari: "prostituudiks."
Õpetaja minestab.

Ärkab, küsib üle - Mari, kelleks sa saada tahad?
"Prostituudiks, ma ju ütlesin."
"Olgu Jumal tänatud! Ma enne kuulsin, et protestandiks!"

Veel karjäärikaid.

Mida teeb humanitaarala tudeng, et elus edasi jõuda?
Läheb Macdonalds'isse tööle enne lõpetamist.

What do an art school student do to get ahead in life?
Starts working at McDonalds BEFORE they graduate.

"Ma ei suhte eriti xxx magisitrite / phd-dega, aga kui siiski, siis küsin ketšupit ja suuri friikaid"

Kuidas eristada päris filosoofia doktorit tavalisest PhD-st?
Päris filosoof küsib "MIKS sa tahad suuri friikaid ja ketšupit?"

• A person with a business degree says, "How can I get paid when it works?"
  
  A person with a finance degree says, "How much do you need to borrow to get it to work?"
  
  A person with a degree in science says, "How does it work?"
  
  A person with a degree in philosophy says, "Why does it work?"
  
  A person with a degree in theology says, "Who makes it work?"
  
  A person with a degree in mathematics says, "How many ways will it work?"
  
  A person with a degree in liberal arts says, "Would you like fries with that?"
  
  A person with a psychology degree says, "Why do you want fries with that?"
  

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Originaal - reddit: What do you want to be when you grow up

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the
most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in
a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."

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Mother Superior is visiting the local parish all girl's school. The kids are all lined up to greet her.
She goes up little Cindy. "So, Cindy, what do you want to be when you grow up?".
Cindy: "I want to be a doctor!"
MS: "That's a very noble profession, you'll do well."
She goes to little Nancy and asks the same question.
Nancy: "I want to be a lawyer, Mother Superior."
MS: "that's also a very noble profession. You'll do well."
She then goes to little Susie, asking her the same question.
Susie: "Mother Superior, I want to be a prostitute."
Shocked, Mother Superior faints. When she comes to, she says "Susie! What did you say you wanted to be when you grow up?"
Susie: "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"Oh, thank God!" Mother Superior says, visibly relieved, "I thought you said you want to be a Protestant! "