Leivategu nii või naa

Mis on vahet meheliku ja naiseliku leiva vahel?
Kas pärm kergitab või annab põletiku.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1vn3hns/whats_the_difference_between_male_and_female_bread/

What's the difference between male and female bread?
It depends on whether the yeast rises or has an infection.

Sirvisin just raamatut gluteenist - Kadrioru Chou Chou kohvikus. 

Sõltub materjalist

"Eile õhtul sain üle tüki aja keppi. Plika kiitis mu päevitanud nokut ja mul polnud julgust öelda, et see on lihtsalt roostes."

"After a looooong dry spell, I finally got lucky yesterday. When my date complimented me on having a suntanned penis, I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was actually rust."

Padeli tehnikast

See on algselt golfi anekdoot.

Kokkuvõte:
Mees on golfis / padelis hädas, küsib profi käest nõu, see soovitab keppi / reketit hoida "õrnalt nagu oma naise tissi krabaks", mees võtab nõu kuulda ja teeb järjest superlööke.
Naine läheb sama hädaga sama profi juurde ja saab sama soovituse "hoia keppi / reketit nagu oma mehe m*nni."

Naine teeb paar swingi / servi, treener vaatab ja märgib "päris hea, aga su hambaarst vist poleks rahul". 

K-k-k-k-k-k-kukkusin

ja murdsin midagi ja mind viidi kiirappi.

Küsiti nime, ütlesin - "K-k-k-k-k-k-k-kaur".

"Kas te kokutate?"
"Ei, mu isa kokutas."

Ise ei saa ja teistele ka ei jäta

Poeg viib vananeva isa arstile.
Sealt tuleb diagnoos - "teil on vähk, surete aasta jooksul, midagi teha pole."
Isa: "mul on täitsa okei elu olnud - raha, lapsed, ilus naine. Kui tuleb minna siis tuleb. Kurvastamise asemel teeme peo."

Teebki peo ja teatab kõigile:
"Arst ütles - mul on AIDS, suren aasta jooksul."

Poeg pärast: "mis AIDS, sul on ju vähk?"
Isa: "ma ei taha, et nad pärast minu surma sinu ema kepiks."

Häda raha pärast

Naine läheb sõbrannale külla, aga see on kuidagi pahas tujus.
- Mis juhtus?
- Küsisin mehelt 500 eurot ilusalongi jaoks.
- Noh ja see ei andnud?
- Andis küll, aga andis tuhat!

Tõukeratturid ei olegi alati nuhtluseks

Copy-pasta.

An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.

She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.

"Hold it right there, Mabel!" said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. "I need to see your drivers license." Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.

A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they've had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she's free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.

She takes a wrong turn into George's room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.

"Oh damn," says Mabel. "Not the breathalyzer again."