Mustad täpid

Kostüümipeol on proua, kel ainsaks kehakatteks mustad kindad ja mustad saapad.
"Vabandust, aga keda te kehastate...?"
"Kas see ei ole ilmselge???!? Ma olen poti viis!"

Magnetstarter (ja jupp ajalugu)

Anekdoot:

Raketibaasis ülevaatus tulemas, kindral inspekteerib. Kihku-kähku tehakse kõik tip-top, aga siis paar tundi enne saabumist tuleb välja, et üks rakett üle värvimata. Pintseldada pole enam aega, üks tüüp võtab värviämbri ja keerab raket tipu peale kummuli, noh et ise nõrgub värv alla. Aga, unustabki selle sinna otsa.
Tuleb kindral, vaatab, näitab ämbrile: "Hmmm.... mis SEE siis on?"
Kohalik jupijumal vastu:"See... eee... on magnetstarter!"
Kindral: "Seda ma näen isegi, et magnetstarter, ärge mind lolliks pidage!!! Aga misjaoks värvimata?!"

Aga selgub, et nali on see vaid poolenisti.
Rakettidel ongi magnetomeetrid.

Facebook:

You can tap a hammer on your screwdriver, a lot of time tho, it will eventually demagnetize it. The concept is that it is magnetized because the atom electron field are aligned, by hamering long enought it will displace the magnetic line randomly thus giving a zero total magnetic field.

Crazy reports were received of Jewish working parties being forced to climb on to V1 bombs prior to launch and using hammers on the hull of the missile. Initially these were dismissed, but after the war it was confirmed that they were degaussing to allow the magnetometer to function so it flew on the correct course!

Ingli ennik

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1g2fxd7/a_group_of_philosophers_are_greeted_by_an_angel/

A group of philosophers are greeted by an angel.

The angel tells them, "You may ask me any one question, and I will answer it. You may talk amongst yourselves and consider what question you would like to ask."

They immediately begin considering what question they should ask the angel. One proposes they should ask him what the correct religion is. Another suggests they should ask him what moral compass theory is correct.

One philosopher considers asking the angel what the best question to ask is, in hopes that perhaps a second angel will greet them in the future.

They finally settle on this question: What is the ordered pair whose first element is the best question to ask and whose second element is the answer to that question? So they ask this to the angel.

"My dear friends," the angel answers, "the best question to ask is the question you just asked, and the answer to that question is the answer I am currently giving."

And just like that, the angel vanished.

[Kaur - No okei okei, ei olnud pikk ennik, oli kaksik. Kommentaarides soovitatakse kaksiku pähe küsida kolmikut.]

Anekdoote elukaare lõpuosast

Mul tekkis vahepeal teravdatud huvi matuse- ja üldse surmateemaliste naljade vastu. Neid kellelegi rääkida ma õnneks ei söandanud.

Järgnev aga on suht adekvaatne kirjeldus tegelikust elust:

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.”

Kelleks tahad saada?

Õpetaja küsib, kelleks soovid saada.

Variant üks - Reaalkool.

Juku: "Õpiks iitee hästi ära ja saaks krüptoärikaks. Mul oleks raha nagu raba. Selle eest võtaks endale kõige ägedama bitši, ostaks talle korteri Pariisi ja maja Kariibidele ja jahi ja ferraari ja briljante ja kulda, ja paneks teda päevast päeva nii et maa on must."

Õpetaja on šokis, aga ei taha tundi rikkuda, teeb nagu poleks kuulnud. 

"Mari, kelleks...?"
"Juku bitšiks muidugi."

Variant kaks - Vanalinna Hariduskolleegium. 

Malle: "arstiks."
Õpetaja: "jaa, noobel ja vajalik valik."
Kalle: "juristiks."
Õpetaja: "jaa, ühiskonnale tähtis ja endale kasulik."
Mari: "prostituudiks."
Õpetaja minestab.

Ärkab, küsib üle - Mari, kelleks sa saada tahad?
"Prostituudiks, ma ju ütlesin."
"Olgu Jumal tänatud! Ma enne kuulsin, et protestandiks!"

Veel karjäärikaid.

Mida teeb humanitaarala tudeng, et elus edasi jõuda?
Läheb Macdonalds'isse tööle enne lõpetamist.

What do an art school student do to get ahead in life?
Starts working at McDonalds BEFORE they graduate.

"Ma ei suhte eriti xxx magisitrite / phd-dega, aga kui siiski, siis küsin ketšupit ja suuri friikaid"

Kuidas eristada päris filosoofia doktorit tavalisest PhD-st?
Päris filosoof küsib "MIKS sa tahad suuri friikaid ja ketšupit?"

• A person with a business degree says, "How can I get paid when it works?"
  
  A person with a finance degree says, "How much do you need to borrow to get it to work?"
  
  A person with a degree in science says, "How does it work?"
  
  A person with a degree in philosophy says, "Why does it work?"
  
  A person with a degree in theology says, "Who makes it work?"
  
  A person with a degree in mathematics says, "How many ways will it work?"
  
  A person with a degree in liberal arts says, "Would you like fries with that?"
  
  A person with a psychology degree says, "Why do you want fries with that?"
  

===================

Originaal - reddit: What do you want to be when you grow up

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the
most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in
a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."

===================

Mother Superior is visiting the local parish all girl's school. The kids are all lined up to greet her.
She goes up little Cindy. "So, Cindy, what do you want to be when you grow up?".
Cindy: "I want to be a doctor!"
MS: "That's a very noble profession, you'll do well."
She goes to little Nancy and asks the same question.
Nancy: "I want to be a lawyer, Mother Superior."
MS: "that's also a very noble profession. You'll do well."
She then goes to little Susie, asking her the same question.
Susie: "Mother Superior, I want to be a prostitute."
Shocked, Mother Superior faints. When she comes to, she says "Susie! What did you say you wanted to be when you grow up?"
Susie: "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"Oh, thank God!" Mother Superior says, visibly relieved, "I thought you said you want to be a Protestant! "

Kaalu jälgimisest

Mees hakkab dieeti pidama, naine kingib talle selle puhul kaalu.
Mees on vaimustuses.

Veidi hiljem.
Mees: "Ma jälgin nüüd mitte ainult oma söömist, vaid ka kakamist - kui palju ma iga kord välja lasen! Nii äge!"
Naine: "Aha, sa siis kaalud end enne ja pärast kempsus käimist ja arvutad kaalu vahe, jah?"
Mees: "Ee... tõesti, saaks ju ka nii..."

Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1ee9br6/the_scale/

Rukkileib

Kaks 80+ vanakest istuvad pargipingil.
Üks lõpetas just jooksuringi.
Teine: "kust sa küll selle energia võtad?"
Esimene: "ma söön palju rukkileiba, see annab jõudu, ja aitab naistega ka".

Teine vana läheb sirgelt poodi ja ostab viis pätsi rukkileiba.
Poetädi: "kuulge, see läheb teil ju kõvaks."
Vana: "kurat küll, kuidas saab olla, et kõik peale minu teavad seda nippi."

-----

Originaal, https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1easg81/old_guys_in_the_park/

Old guys in the park

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him how he managed to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stopped the bakery. As he was looking around,the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, @Do you have any rye bread?"*l

She said, “Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

“I want 5 loaves." he answered.

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

Shocked, the old man replied, “I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me!"

Suitsune armastus

Maja põleb. Kaks tuletõrjujat lähevad sisse ja kaovad. Vahetuse juht läheb neid otsima. Sees avaneb pilt: leegid, suits, ja nende keskel paneb üks tõrjuja teist ägedalt pepusse.

"Mis te mehed teete ometi?!?!"
"No Lembit sai siin suitsumürgituse"
"Siis peaks ju suust suhu hingamist tegema...????"
"Sellest kõik alguse saigi..."

Lisaks:
Sama anedoot töötab ka alpinistidega, kes kõrguses hapnikuvaegusesse jäävad.

Kärbest ja lest

So there was a fly going thru the sky.

A mite landed on the flys back.

The fly says "are you a mite?"

The mite says "I MITE be"

the fly says "that's gotta be the worst joke I've ever heard"

the mite said "oh cut me some slack will ya, I came up with it on the fly"

Omasooihar Vene bojaar

 - Sergei. 

Ringmajandus

Proovisin oma endise abikaasaga uuesti abielluda.
Aga ta raisk sai aru, et ma tahtsin lihtsalt oma raha tagasi saada.

I tried to remarry my ex-wife..
But she figured out, I was only after my money.

Ettevaatust juhtimisega

Ülemuse matusel kummardub mees kirstu kõrvale ja sosistab:
"noh, kes nüüd kastist väljas mõtleb?"

After my boss died, I attended his wake.
He had an open casket, and I got in line to pay my respects. When it was finally my turn, I knelt down beside the body, and said softly:
“Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”